As an example, do you remember the first time a person referred to you as “Sir” or “Ma’am?”  I recall the first time I heard “Ma’am,” and I stared at the person who was speaking to me as if I didn’t see them at all.  I had no idea he was referring to me.  He leaned forward and asked for my attention by saying, “Ma’am?”  He kept staring at me and I blankly returned his gaze, unblinking and then it occurred to me, I must be blocking someone’s path.  I stepped aside and turned to the person behind me, only to see that nobody was there.  Finally, I asked, “Are you speaking to me?”  He smiled, relieved, “Yes!”  I had nothing to say.  We completed our transaction and he wished me a good day as a final farewell.  But it bothered me.  I’d finally reached the certain age where I was no longer on the pinnacle, hovering precariously between youth and the ever impending downward slope of old age.  I sat behind the steering wheel and pulled down the sun visor to look in the mirror.  I examined my skin, looking for fine lines, crow’s feet, sagging skin that looked crepé and dull.  I didn’t notice anything that made me think I needed to invest in more expensive moisturizer, Botox, a face lift or a face and body transplant.  In fact, just the opposite.  I thought back to all my peers who’d had opinions about my big body and the way I carried those extra pounds - yet I pretty much looked the same now as I did back then.   They, on the other hand, likely gained weight and didn’t wear it well.  How does that saying go when someone comments on your weight?  Something along the lines of: ‘I can lose weight but you can never lose ugly.’  Well, I didn’t lose the weight per sé but I didn’t become ugly either.  I ran my fingers through my too fine hair that has a mind of it’s own - usually frizzy - and I examined my face in the clear light of day.  Older? Yes.  Ma’am status?  Not quite yet.  And then it happened again.  My head was spinning… what was going on?  Then I realized, someone else’s culture had infiltrated into our linguistic language patterns and we’re taking root so “Sir” or “Ma’am” are meant as terms of respect.  Growing up, there were very close friends who were considered members of our family.  I grew up calling them “Aunt” and “Uncle”.  My children have people in their lives who they refer to in the same way.  Never would I ask or expect my children to refer to anyone as “Sir” or “Ma’am”.  And just as I became used to these terms of reference, my head had reason to spin again.

My children received their bank statement in the mail.  My daughter’s letter was addressed to “Miss” and my son’s letter was addressed to “Master.”  It rubbed me the wrong way.  It felt like a mountain, when really it was a mole hill, and I knew it was because my senses were over reacting.  I hadn’t read the “Fifty Shades of Grey” book series or watched the subsequent movies but I’d heard enough through media that I didn’t like the “Master” connotation associated with my son.  What’s wrong with “Mister?”  As it turns out, Master is the appropriate term of reference for a boy.  When he’s older, my son will be referred to as Mister to reflect his age and maturity, and my daughter’s correspondence will likely be addressed to “Ms.” - I was glad I hadn’t over reacted and had done research before blowing things out of proportion.  My little world settled down again and everything was peaceful and calm.  Until today.

I phoned Customer Service at my credit card company.  I wished to dispute a charge.  The woman answering my call was polite, articulate and was everything I would wish a customer service representative to be, aside from one annoying habit of hers.  She can see my name on her computer screen yet she pronounces my name, Janice, as “dear.”  The first time, I let it slide.  The third time she told me she was transferring me to security.  I replied, “Thank you, Sweetheart.”  I think she’d transferred me before she heard, which is disappointing, but the call is recorded for training purposes so I hope the employees are encouraged to discontinue these terms of endearment.  I expect professionalism when I phone a business.  At no time do I wish to be addressed as “honey, dear, sweetheart, baby” or as anything other than my given name that is on file.  I am especially bothered when a young person calls me “dear.”  Often times, I’m old enough to be that child’s mother.  When s/he calls me this babyish moniker, it diminishes me as a human being, as a woman and as an elder to the one speaking to me.  And I feel degraded and disrespected by the younger person.  Is that their intent?  I highly doubt it.  However, I wonder how these “pet names” have made their way from intimate relationships with those we love to referencing random strangers?  I certainly won’t go around referring to the cake baker as “honey” or to the person pumping my gas as “darling” so why would others think it’s okay to speak down to a patron that way?  I don’t get it.  And I certainly don’t understand.  So, I did what I’ve always done when I have a question … I did research to try to find an answer.

One suggestion for the use of pet names from a stranger is the idea that it gives the impression of being kind.  Do you know how I get the impression someone is being kind?  They make eye contact, smile and say, “Hello, may I help you today?”  And when they need to grab my attention they might say, “Excuse me - do you mind stepping aside for a moment while I complete this task?  I’ll help you as soon as I’m done and it shouldn’t take more than a minute or two.”  Note the courtesy, the respect and not once was a pet name used to gain my attention?  My research suggested two other reasons for using these terms in deference to a stranger.  One is to express condescension and the other is a way of implying the person is a nuisance…. “Sit down and calm down, dear.  You’re blowing this situation out of proportion.”  These two scenarios don’t sit well with me either.

We’ve just spent the last two years protecting ourselves with face masks.  Even when I couldn’t see someone smiling at me with their mouth, the way they held their body gave an impression of kindness, not one of fear, and when our eyes made contact it was clear the person was happy and sincere in their greeting, even with six feet of distance between us.  Eyes smile when our mouth does.  It is said “eyes are windows to the soul” for a reason.  Those two orbs don’t just look out, they also reflect what is motivating the heart and shows the sincerity behind an individual’s actions.  Unless we know a person very well, pet names lose their value when they are abused by strangers by being ever so casually used.  You’re dear and I’m dear and everyone is dear.  So that must mean it’s okay to use these endearments in our everyday language.  Until a personal assistance sues his or her boss for work place harassment.  What did the employer do that was so discomforting?  S/he repeatedly referred to the employee as “dear, sweetheart” and other casual terms that meant nothing to the employer yet felt unprofessional and harassing to the employee.  That’s how I feel about these terms too.  I don’t want a fifteen year old calling me anything but “Ma’am.”  I’m at the age I appreciate the name and quite frankly, given the alternative, I prefer it.  In a world where we are relearning how to interact with each other again, let us be kind and respectful of one another.  And please, keep the terms of endearment for those in your life who would appreciate hearing it rather than using it so often it becomes worthless. Take care and have a great week, Sweetheart.

Say what now?  You don’t appreciate my calling you that?  To be honest, I’m uncomfortable with it too.  I’m sorry!

Take care and have a great week, everyone!